At this time last year I was starting another semester at the local community college, it was my second in a row this time around and I was pumped. My family encouraged me to live with my grandparents for a period of time while I finished my associates and possibly transferred on to complete a bachelors. It sounded like quite a plan and I was sure that this time around I would commit, do well, and go on to do amazingly educated things. After all, fourth time's a charm right?
Wrong, half way into the spring semester last year I got online and dropped all my classes. Was it a rash decision? Yes. Did I do it because I was frustrated and overwhelmed? Partly. I spent some time being severely ashamed of myself and embarrassed to tell my family that I was not planning on returning to school for a long while and would instead be going back to the life of full time work and getting our own place with C.
Why is it so shameful to not do the "college thing?" Each time I got excited, especially when taking one of the few classes that actually held my attention for longer than 10 minutes. But each time it ended the same way, me feeling disappointed with myself and wondering what was wrong with me.
I was sure that this last time around would be the It Time. That since I now had a child to support and inspire, I would surely be motivated enough to finish.
While I was wrong about finishing it this time, I was right that this time WOULD be different. How? This time I realized I would probably never complete a degree, not for a long time anyway.
My dream is, and always has been, to be a mom. I love being a mom, I love spending time with my son, teaching him, watching him learn and grow, I love cooking for him, cleaning and making our house a home, I honestly love everything about being a mom.
But I grew up thinking that REAL women were independent, they went to school, got a career that they loved and maybe eventually fit having a family into their already perfect lives. While it's fine if that's what you want, that's NOT what I wanted and I never have. Even when I was little I was the girl that carried around a baby doll and pretend to be a mommy, I grew up saying I wanted to be my mother (a wonderful and dedicated stay at home mom who also somehow found the will power to homeschool 4 of us).
When did that become so wrong? When did we stop pressuring all women to be housewives and start pressuring them to be anything but? Does it always have to be one or the other?
Does it make me less educated, less interesting, less motivated, less ambitious, less of a modern woman because I really want to be "just" a mom?
I don't think so at all, at least not anymore!
I never expected that college, yet again, wouldn't pan out in 2012. Or that I would change my mind entirely about what I wanted to do with my life. But I'm pleased to say that SLIGHT change to the course of my future was one that needed to happen, now I can FINALLY get on with my life!